So you there, reading this, feeling like you don’t know if the sun will shine tomorrow, know that you’re not alone. They deserve SO much and I feel like I give them so little. I can’t describe the pain I feel in my heart when I think about the failure I am as their mom. I’ve been reading a lot of material and watching a lot of documentaries about mental illness and genetics and I’m worried to death that those three amazing boys of mine will somehow be damaged because I’m such an incompetent parent. I’ve started obsessing about my kids’ mental health. And I feel like I can’t even say those words out loud because the weight it would place on someone else is so burdensome – and I can’t bear the thought of being a burden. I feel like such an absolute useless mess sometimes that I think the people I love would be better off without me. I find my mind wandering to what life would be like for other people if I wasn’t here anymore. But I know I’m spending entire days in bed crying and it hurts. I don’t know if I’m well or unwell or just a completely fucked up individual who should never be off her meds. I often don’t trust my own thoughts anymore because all too often anxiety clouds my judgement and screws with my thinking. I honestly don’t know because on days like today I feel like my mind just isn’t my own. I felt good for so long that I wonder if I’ve been fooling myself over the last few months into thinking I was in a better place than I am. I’ve been down that black hole a couple of times before and I really don’t want to go back. (Though I’m sure the lack of employment, shitty weather and darkness at 5pm certainly has a lot to do with it.) And try as I might to keep myself in a positive place, I feel a black hole slowly dragging me into it. There hasn’t been in any major trigger, as such.
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But really, I just find myself wishing more and more that the floor will open up and just swallow me. Some days I get out of bed and put my feet on the floor and go through the motions because I know that’s what I should be doing. I’d say REALLY struggling for the last 6 weeks or so.